The Guilt of Sleeping

As a Dad, why should I feel guilty about sleeping? I probably shouldn't, but I do!!!
Why? Because my wife is awake 2-3 times a night with the kids.
Here is a normal night:
Both kids are in bed by 8.30pm, a fantastic miracle, and something that allows Marisa and I to savour our evenings.
However, Gemma is usually awake at 2am and 4am to feed, sometimes not going back to bed for 30 minutes to an hour.
In addition, Henry has made a habit of waking up at 4-5am to come into our bed, and sleep until 6.30am.
The problem is that both children are in a "Mummy stage" at the moment. Henry will only cuddle up to his mother in bed at night, and Gemma obviously needs Marisa to be able to eat since she is still nursing. As a result, Marisa is up 3 times a night, and in the morning she wakes up with Henry barnacled to her, and his hands digging into both of her armpits.
I end up getting a full night of sleep most nights, with the occasional interruption of sometimes having to wake up once to bring a crying child to Marisa, before rolling over to go back to sleep.

This means that my wife spends most days looking like a zombie and telling me that she understands why the army use sleep deprivation as a form of torture. In the meantime. I wake up well rested and ready to work.

Even though there is very little I can do about this, I still feel extremely guilty about the lack of sleep my wife is getting compared to my long, relaxing, dream filled nights.
Add to this the fact that Gemma will only really fall asleep either while nursing or if Marisa has her in the sleepy wrap (see the blog on kids toys), and Henry insists on having Marisa put him to bed at all times.

I can read Henry a story, but apparently my voice singing a version of, "somewhere over the rainbow," where most of the words are "da da da" is not as harmonious as Marisa's fully loaded, in tune version.
In fact, I know so few lullaby's or sleep songs that I have on numerous occasions resorted to singing the famous Phoebe Buffet song from Friends, "Smelly Cat," in order to get Henry to sleep. You wont be surprised to know that this tactic is never successful and more often than not results in Henry calling for his mother.
I try to help where I can, but it can be very difficult. I know I am not the only Father having this problem, and I am sure that there will be a lot of mothers who are reading this thinking they would happily swap "problems" with me.
It is, however, something that bothers me on a daily basis, and an issue that I feel I need to remedy. I have not come up with a solution yet, but like the famous philosopher Metallica said, "I sleep with 1 eye open, holding my pillow tight."

My kid is cuter than your kid !!!

I am going to say a few things in this blog that I am sure almost all parents think, but nobody will ever actually say.
I have a theory that every parent believes they have the world's cutest, sweetest child. Each parent, no matter how ugly their baby is, and we all know there are some ugly babies out there, are convinced that their little treasure should be not only the new Gerber Baby, but also should be a baby model and probably receive the most beautiful baby of the year award. If their was such an award, I would think it should be sponsored by Gymboree or Babies R Us and presented by the Queen. As part of the presentation, your baby would likely get an invite to tea at Buckingham Palace, and a "beautiful baby" sash to wear. Anyway, I digress...
My point is that, for obvious reasons, people are afraid to say a baby is ugly. You never go up to a new Mum and say, "Oh look at that little one, she has to be the fugliest thing I have ever seen," or, "Wow, that baby girl looks just like your husband.... fat, hairy and with a face that makes Susan Boyle look like a runway model." These Simon Cowell comments are funny on American Idol, or Britain's Got Talent (depending which country you are reading this from), but do not tend to be appreciated at baby showers, or upon meeting someone with a newborn.
The thing is that any parent, when they see a member of the under 6 month age group will say, "Oh what a beautiful baby," or, "Wow, what a sweet little peanut."
But in their mind they are likely thinking, "Yeah, she's cute, but my kid is cuter." or, "I should say nice things so that you don't feel bad about the fact that I have a more handsome and more pretty child that you."
This is the delusion that every parent has when they have a bouncy, brand new baby. The 9 months of waiting and anticipating prior to the baby actually popping out makes you so anxious that no matter how deformed or covered in slime the little cherub is when he or she comes into the world, you will feel like the baby is the most amazing looking creature that ever lived, and will feel the need to tell everyone you know.
I know this feeling of delusion. With Gemma, pictured above, I am still under this, "my baby is so beautiful" spell, so am unable to pass judgement yet.
I do, however, remember that when Henry was born, 2 years and 3 days ago, I thought he was the classic, perfect looking little baby, and could not be convinced differently.
I now look back at his newborn pictures, and realize he looked like a bit of a big eyed alien with a funny shaped head, and while he was cute, Henry was certainly not a beautiful baby of the year contender.
Then again, I know that all parents who are reading this are thinking, "I already knew that and my kid is still cuter than your kid."

Birthday Parties

Yesterday, Sunday, was Henry's 2nd birthday, and what a birthday it was!
Parties, presents and cake dominated the day. It is now Monday, and I feel like I need a day to rest.
This year, we decided to have Henry's birthday party in a nearby park. After having prayed for good weather all week, we were rewarded with a perfect 80 degree day, without a cloud in the sky.
Having not been able to make it to Henry's 1st birthday, my Mother, Henry's Nana, had flown into town with her significant other, James, to celebrate. A few days earlier, we had been hit with the disappointing news that my wife's Dad had been admitted to hospital, thus would not be able to make it for the birthday. For anyone who is wondering, he is now out of hospital and doing well.
Preparing for the party involved purchasing enough food to feed the 500 person University of Minnesota Marching Band. Much like in an episode of Top Chef, that food then needed cooking, slicing, washing and plating. We (and when I say we, I mean they) then put everything into rubber totes for transportation to take it to the park.

The menu was 12 lbs of Sloppy Joe's, Buns, pasta salad, Cookie salad, chips, lemonade, and cup cakes.
I would like to say that I was heavily involved in the food preparation, but that would be a lie. Marisa did everything. I am not sure what I would do without an expert cook for a wife.
I did help load the car a little bit though, and bought my wife flowers that morning. That is the number one tip for any Dad. On your kid's birthday, always flowers for your wife, and any grandmothers who are present! Trust me, it's worth it.
The only real problem that presented itself was that by the time we were ready to head towards the park, Henry was already tired and ready for a nap. His highly active morning of opening presents and chasing people around, together with the early stages of a cold, had got to him. We were just about to walk out of the door when the H ran into his room, grabbed his pacifier and a book and came out of his room saying "sleep."
When I told him we were going to the park for cake, although clearly still tired, his attitude changed to that of a party animal.
After the hours of preparation and expense, the party felt like it flew by in no time.
Wham, bam, friends, food, cake, presents, candles, happy birthday song, minor Henry meltdown after falling on his face (he has a scar on his forehead today), and the guests were gone. It was time to go home. After packing everything up, both kids fell asleep in the car on the way home having partied themselves out. The end to a great lunchtime.

When we got back to the house, the adults added vodka to the lemonade and relaxed with a drink while the Blue Angels cruised overhead in formation as part of the Sioux Falls Airshow.
Now the next day, having finished with the party, and looking back in hindsight, I have the same feeling I get the morning after a really good late night out on the town (something which is very rare these days).
I am really glad we did it, we all had a great time and I think we will remember that day forever. It was even more special for me having my mother there.
Much like a really great night out, however, I now feel exhausted and devoid of any energy. Next year, maybe we will just do a simple pizza party at Chuck E Cheese. Minimum hassle, maximum fun. The thing is that I know that next time the opportunity presents itself, much like next time I get an opportunity for a great night out, I will have forgotten about the exhaustion I am currently feeling and will grab the opportunity with both hands.
The big difference is that after a night out you are left with a hangover. After this kids party I am left with 5 lbs of unused sloppy joes, 50 buns, and pasta salad up the ying yang. I know what's for supper the next 2 weeks.

Threatening your children.

As I am beginning to write this blog, and the ideas for the verbal diarrhea that I am about to spew onto the page form in my mind, I cannot help but think that this post is going to be one that comes back to haunt me in the future.
My 2 children, at the ages of 23 months and 5 months are too young to respond to or understand threats fully. By threats, I mean saying things like, "If you don't finish your food, you won't get any desert," or, "if you don't walk nicely next to Mum, she will beat you over the head with a stick." Okay, that last one was probably a bad taste joke, and has never actually been said... I hope.
For those of you who do not have children, the adult version of family threats sounds like, "If you get me pregnant again, I'm going to chop your nuts off."
Anyway, Marisa and I recently made a pact never to use 2 very common parental threats.

1.

Counting to 10. I have no objections to the way my mother brought me up. I think she did a wonderful job parenting in spite of how I turned out. This threat was a big favorite of hers, which probably explains why I hate it.
"If you don't come over here by the time I count to 10, then you will be in big trouble."
I know I heard hollered in my direction on many an occasion. Mum would start counting, and by the time she reached 10, inevitably either my brother or I were still misbehaving, and the count would start again. It was pretty rare we actually got into trouble, although I can remember at least one occasion when I was on the business of a spanking for not heeding this threat. The problem I have with this is that outside of yelling, "Get the F. over here," or even just, "Get over here," I am not sure of an alternative.
If I threatened something like this at his current age, he would be too young to understand. I would start counting at 1, and before I knew it, I would hear a little voice say, "twooo," followed by a giggle, thus nullifying it's effect.

2.
"If you don't clean this up you are going straight to bed!"
I have heard this threat so many times, either directed at me when I was young, or at another child, and I have never seen it actually be followed through with. The expected hollowness this threat is not the reason I have a problem with it though. I would like for my children to want to go to bed at the end of the evening. Making going to bed a threat could almost demonize the bedroom, and make actually putting the child to bed in the evening very difficult indeed. If he or she has been threatened with going to bed as a bad thing all day, and has been trying to avoid being put to bed as a punishment for most of the day, it is going to be the little tyke's natural reaction to attempt to stay up as late as possible.

Again, I'm not sure of an alternative. I know Supernanny Jo Frost would have me use a naughty chair instead, something which appears to be becoming more popular. Maybe that is what we will do when Henry misbehaves in the future.

Personally, if someone threatened to put me to bed for a nap during the day, I would take it with open arms, especially after Gemma was awake between 1.30 and 4am this morning. A nap actually sounds like a great option.

In re-reading this, I have realized this blog sounds a little bit preachy. I do realize that I am not the perfect parent, and that I will probably live to regret writing this, but I felt that this was a subject I should share my opinion on.

Top 10 Best Value Baby Toys (and a laundry tip)

Having written a lot of personal Henry and Gemma experiences recently, I thought I would actually try to write something that readers may find useful.
I know we have bought a lot of child management accessories (aka toys) for our kids. Some have been great, others have been a complete waste of money, and I had always wished I knew which our children would like before I made the purchases.
I enlisted the help of my beautiful wife Marisa (no she did not ask me to write that) in putting together a list of the top 10 most useful baby and toddler accessories we own. These were not necessarily the most expensive toys but are the toys that the kids love the most thus were the best investments we have made (especially since a lot of them were gifts).

1.
The Blue Car - (Pictured below) Henry loves going for rides around the neighborhood in this sleek looking vehicle. From it's aerodynamic design to it's 1 dadpower engine, this beauty does 0-60 yards per hour in under 5 seconds. Even quicker if it wasn't being pushed by an out of shape Dad. If you ask Henry, he would rather go on a blue car ride than a stroller ride any day of the week. Numero Uno investment!!

2.
Sleepy Wrap - (Pictured Below) When I 1st saw Marisa modelling the sleepy wrap, I renamed her Obi Won Kanobe for obvious Star Wars reasons, but in spite of my mocking, this has proven to be the only effective method of getting Gemma to sleep recently. Just prior to creating this blog, I rocked Gemma for 10 minutes attempting to put my tired 5 month old to sleep. It proved to be 10 minutes of kicking and screaming resulting in a Dad with a headache and a wide awake Gemma. Marisa put her in this wrap, went for a walk around the block, and she was asleep in seconds (Gemma, not my wife).


3.
Jumparoo - Henry adored his jumparoo. A nice $40 purchase from "Once Upon A Child." He used one at daycare and one at home. I learnt that before man can run, he must 1st learn to walk, before he can walk, baby must bounce!
4.
Toddler Picnic Table - This awesome Target creation began it's existence as an indoor picnic/coloring table for Henry. During the winter, he would climb upon this sturdy structure to watch his favorite neighbor dogs out the window. Once the harsh South Dakota Winter had passed, it graduated outdoors into a water park. Henry has eaten, colored, and played with water all at this table, and he still worships it. Super purchase.

5.
Books - We read Henry 3-4 books every night before bed. When we get home from a weekend away from the house, the first thing Henry now does is run into his room without prompting gets a book. He then sits in his chair looking at the pictures without even needing us there. If Henry is ever upset or frustrated, the second you ask him if he would like a book read to him, he smiles, says "yeah" and runs into his room. One of the best things we have discovered is the, "Dolly Parton Imagination Library." This is a free reading program to join, and your child gets 1 free book delivered a month until he or she turns 5 years old.

6.

Lawnmower - We actually have 2 little plastic lawnmowers that make a lot of noise, probably the reason we purchased neither, they were both gifts. At least once every 2 days Henry and I take a lawn mower each and mow the living room carpet, just to make sure it has not grown too much.

7.

Pacifiers - A controversial topic. Gemma will not take a pacifier, and if you put one in her mouth, she acts like you are trying to choke her, and spits it out crying. She much prefers to suck her thumb, hand or to nurse. Henry has been a pacifier addict since he was about 4 hours old! He now only has it at night, but any time he is in Chicken Little (the sky is falling in) mode, a pacifier will always calm him down.

8.

Baby Bjorn Bib - aka. The 2nd feeding trough! This is a plastic catch all bib which cost us a very well spent $12. It not only keeps Henry clean at meal time (a feat considering our son makes Joey Chestnut look like a clean diner), but once he is finished eating from his plate, if Henry is still hungry, he will dig into the bib food, meaning very little goes to waste. The only issue we have now is when Henry chooses to take the bib off and empty the contents onto the floor and himself before we can get to him.

9.

Yellow Bouncy Chair - This is a cheap, vibrating yellow chair which acts as Gemma's seat when the rest of us are eating, or when Marisa is cooking supper and I am still at work. It has helped us eat without disturbance on many an occasion, and also allowed Marisa to shower on a daily basis during her maternity leave. Good buy, especially considering it was marked down from $35 to $9 at the HyVee tent sale last summer.

10.

Stolen Blankets from hospital - Yes, we stole something from the hospital, and are probably going straight to hell. These receiving blankets are bigger than your average blanket, and work perfectly for all the nursing mums out there who wish to still nurse in public. It is just the right size to cover boob and baby, so no indecent exposure. They also work well as swaddling blankets since they are big and lightweight.

Honorable mention goes to Ford Freestar, Tag Heuer Watch, our laptop computer ( for Youtube) & any set of keys that Henry touches (and never lets go of). These "adult" toys are also great entertainers as mentioned in my July 9th "Expensive Toys" blog.

Since this blog was a combined husband and wife effort, Marisa asked me to disclose the #1 tip for getting baby poop stains off of clothing. We are talking about stains caused by nursing baby poop. When Gemma blew through a diaper and stained some clothes, that was usually the end of those clothes, until we learnt this trick. Run the clothes through the washing machine once, then apply a generous layer of stain stick to the stained areas. Once the stain stick is applied, put the clothes out in the sun to dry. When the stain stick dries in the sun, the poop stains will have vanished. I would like to think it is magic, but I have been informed that it is actually science. You then wash and dry the clothes again. This has worked 100% of the time for us, and proved extremely useful when Gemma blew through a diaper, her clothes, and our white sheets.

That's all folks. Hope you enjoyed the family Oppenheimer tips of the day.

1st Poop on the Potty!

Today, July 20th 2009, 6 days before his 2nd birthday, will go down as a red letter day in the history of Henry Oppenheimer.

It all started this morning when, as my boss phrased it to me, I was "lucky" to be given an "opportunity to excel" in Huron, South Dakota. In non-corporate America speak, on a busy Monday, I had to drive 2 hours each way to Huron to meet someone for a claim today.

On the way there, I spoke with Chris, a good friend of mine from Minneapolis, whose wife I believe reads this blog (Hi Jen). He informed me how proud he was of his son William, who is a few months younger than Henry. William pooped and peed on the potty for the 1st time this morning.
With genuine excitement, I congratulated Chris on edging closer to never having to change another diaper (a landmark day for any parent), and having a clever son. At the same time, I felt a hint of jealousy in my stomach. We have tried to get Henry interested in the potty for a few months now, and while I think he understands what the potty's primary function is, all he has really used it for to this point was to stand on so he could switch the bathroom light off and on (and off, and on, and off, and on, etc.... you get the idea).

I got home this evening, and about 2 minutes after I walked in the door, Henry said "Poop." We checked him, he hadn't pooped so we put him on the potty. To our shock and surprise, he immediately pooped. This was very exciting, causing such enthusiastic cheers and applause from Marisa and I that it scared the crap out of both kids. Henry and Gemma both immediately started crying. Henry ran into the other room and would not come back into the bathroom.

After a little drama caused by my inability to get the poop from the potty into the toilet (it took a detour onto the floor), we managed to coax Henry back into the bathroom to flush his new poop down the toilet.

I do have to say at this stage that, unlike Kate from "John and Kate plus 8," we did not photo this event, thus, I have not put any photos of Henry pooping on this blog entry. My personal opinion is that photographing a kid with their 1st poop, or anyone with poop for that matter, is disgusting. Trust me, like any man with hair on his chest, I have plugged the bathroom with some logs that I am proud of, but I have never had the urge to photograph it.

I would like to think Henry was proud of himself, but I am afraid that our vociferous reaction may have scared him so much that it put him back a few months in the potty training stages. I did, however, allow myself to dream for a few moments, of a day when I do not have to clean up poop on a daily basis.

This dream was shattered approximately 30 minutes later when Henry pooped again, this time in his diaper. He gave no warning, did not tell us about it, and had no intention of using the potty. Back to square one !!!

After last night writing about how lucky I have been to have good sleeping children, I realized that I completely cursed myself.
This morning at 4am, Gemma, our 4 month old, decided it was morning. She was up and ready to party. Marisa tried to nurse her to sleep, I laid her down on the bed and tried to snuggle with her, but she just smiled at me and laughed. It is amazing how this wonderful cute little smile during the day can light up a room, but at 4am, it feels like Satan smiling at me saying, "Screw you buddy, you don't need to sleep." As a result, I was up from approximately 4.30am trying to get her to sleep.
Henry, usually our super sleeper, decided 5am was a good time for him to be up as well. He came into our bed, and rather than going to sleep, he started talking.
Gemma eventually fell back asleep at 6.35, by which point we were showering and getting ready for work.
In short, I have been up since 4am, and have felt about as active as a slow moving snail all day. Lack of sleep really does lead to lack of energy.
My hope is that tonight will be better. This was not meant to be my blog topic today. I was considering writing something creative either about date nights or about how Gemma has explosive poops, but instead, I am going to save those thoughts for my next post.
Sorry folks, the creative juices are definitely not flowing tonight.
I will return with a better, more interesting and humorous blog!