My 2 children, at the ages of 23 months and 5 months are too young to respond to or understand threats fully. By threats, I mean saying things like, "If you don't finish your food, you won't get any desert," or, "if you don't walk nicely next to Mum, she will beat you over the head with a stick." Okay, that last one was probably a bad taste joke, and has never actually been said... I hope.
For those of you who do not have children, the adult version of family threats sounds like, "If you get me pregnant again, I'm going to chop your nuts off."
Anyway, Marisa and I recently made a pact never to use 2 very common parental threats.
1.
Counting to 10. I have no objections to the way my mother brought me up. I think she did a wonderful job parenting in spite of how I turned out. This threat was a big favorite of hers, which probably explains why I hate it.
"If you don't come over here by the time I count to 10, then you will be in big trouble."
I know I heard hollered in my direction on many an occasion. Mum would start counting, and by the time she reached 10, inevitably either my brother or I were still misbehaving, and the count would start again. It was pretty rare we actually got into trouble, although I can remember at least one occasion when I was on the business of a spanking for not heeding this threat. The problem I have with this is that outside of yelling, "Get the F. over here," or even just, "Get over here," I am not sure of an alternative.
If I threatened something like this at his current age, he would be too young to understand. I would start counting at 1, and before I knew it, I would hear a little voice say, "twooo," followed by a giggle, thus nullifying it's effect.
"If you don't come over here by the time I count to 10, then you will be in big trouble."
I know I heard hollered in my direction on many an occasion. Mum would start counting, and by the time she reached 10, inevitably either my brother or I were still misbehaving, and the count would start again. It was pretty rare we actually got into trouble, although I can remember at least one occasion when I was on the business of a spanking for not heeding this threat. The problem I have with this is that outside of yelling, "Get the F. over here," or even just, "Get over here," I am not sure of an alternative.
If I threatened something like this at his current age, he would be too young to understand. I would start counting at 1, and before I knew it, I would hear a little voice say, "twooo," followed by a giggle, thus nullifying it's effect.
2.
"If you don't clean this up you are going straight to bed!"
I have heard this threat so many times, either directed at me when I was young, or at another child, and I have never seen it actually be followed through with. The expected hollowness this threat is not the reason I have a problem with it though. I would like for my children to want to go to bed at the end of the evening. Making going to bed a threat could almost demonize the bedroom, and make actually putting the child to bed in the evening very difficult indeed. If he or she has been threatened with going to bed as a bad thing all day, and has been trying to avoid being put to bed as a punishment for most of the day, it is going to be the little tyke's natural reaction to attempt to stay up as late as possible.
Again, I'm not sure of an alternative. I know Supernanny Jo Frost would have me use a naughty chair instead, something which appears to be becoming more popular. Maybe that is what we will do when Henry misbehaves in the future.
Personally, if someone threatened to put me to bed for a nap during the day, I would take it with open arms, especially after Gemma was awake between 1.30 and 4am this morning. A nap actually sounds like a great option.
In re-reading this, I have realized this blog sounds a little bit preachy. I do realize that I am not the perfect parent, and that I will probably live to regret writing this, but I felt that this was a subject I should share my opinion on.
"If you don't clean this up you are going straight to bed!"
I have heard this threat so many times, either directed at me when I was young, or at another child, and I have never seen it actually be followed through with. The expected hollowness this threat is not the reason I have a problem with it though. I would like for my children to want to go to bed at the end of the evening. Making going to bed a threat could almost demonize the bedroom, and make actually putting the child to bed in the evening very difficult indeed. If he or she has been threatened with going to bed as a bad thing all day, and has been trying to avoid being put to bed as a punishment for most of the day, it is going to be the little tyke's natural reaction to attempt to stay up as late as possible.
Again, I'm not sure of an alternative. I know Supernanny Jo Frost would have me use a naughty chair instead, something which appears to be becoming more popular. Maybe that is what we will do when Henry misbehaves in the future.
Personally, if someone threatened to put me to bed for a nap during the day, I would take it with open arms, especially after Gemma was awake between 1.30 and 4am this morning. A nap actually sounds like a great option.
In re-reading this, I have realized this blog sounds a little bit preachy. I do realize that I am not the perfect parent, and that I will probably live to regret writing this, but I felt that this was a subject I should share my opinion on.
My mom's threat was always, "If you don't stop this you'll have to go ride in the tractor with Daddy." This actually worked, because not only did our dad have no tolerance for immature brattiness, we would be stuck in a confined space for unknown hours with this disciplinarian. I don't actually remember it ever carried out, but the thought of it was scary.
ReplyDeleteI hear you! Empty threats are an awful pattern to start. We have tried to avoid them as best as possible, but I still find myself giving second or third chances - just to avoid the unholy tantrum that will ensue otherwise. I can usually coerce Ella to listen, but some days I wonder how long before never listening the first time comes to be the norm. I agree with the bedtime threats, but we do skip reading and or snuggling time if she is uncooperative with getting ready for bed. It seems to work as these two things are important to her for bedtime. Sometimes it goes further and I have to start removing favorite objects from the bedroom. I just remind myself that its a stage and someday it will pass...only to be replaced by something more horrific I'm sure!
ReplyDeleteGood luck!!